My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy
say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord,
why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

***

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is written. The obituary editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She
pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read 'Fred Brown
died.'"
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7
word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks
thing over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred
Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

***

A mother wishing to encourage her young son's progress at the piano
bought tickets to a Paderewski performance. When the evening arrived,
they found their seats near the front of the concert hall and eyed the
majestic Steinway waiting on stage. Soon the mother found a friend to
talk to, and the boy slipped away. At eight o'clock, the lights in the auditorium began to dim, the spotlights came on, and only then did they
notice the boy, ...up on the bench, innocently picking out "Twinkle,
Twinkle, Little Star".

His mother gasped, ....but before she could retrieve her son,
the master appeared on the stage and quickly moved to the keyboard. He whispered to the boy: "Don't quit--keep playing." Leaning over,
Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass
part. Soon his right arm reached around the other side, improvised a
delightful obligato. Together, the old master and the young novice held
the crowd mesmerized.

***

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he
saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man
said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

***

In 1959, a Universal Pictures executive dismissed Clint Eastwood and
Burt Reynolds at the same time meeting with the following statements.
To Burt Reynolds: "You have no talent." To Clint Eastwood: "You have a
chip on your tooth, your Adam's apple sticks out too far and you talk
too slow."

***

A note from a college student, with reply:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.

Love,
Your $on.


Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

***

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

***

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for
a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed,
"This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I
when I was a doctor."

***

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's
Grocery Store. Manager Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but
the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load,
or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and
a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Manager Tim got him off to one
side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you
don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the
nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

***

The local bar was so sure that its bartender had the strongest hands
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a challenger. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.)
but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the
bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny
squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

***

Two gorgeous blondes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an elevator in a large office building. One of them said loudly,
"Of course my ultimate fantasy has always been to have two men at
once."

There was complete silence as every passenger in the elevator slowly
turned to look at her. She then laughed and continued, "One to do the
cooking, and the other would do the cleaning."

***

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of
the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to
last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techiniques...visulization...association...it made
a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name
of that clinic?"
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (316:36/20)